Big Pond, Small Fish: The Tale of a Costume Minion

I’m not quite sure who decided combining alcohol, flashing lights, and aquariums was a good idea.  Clearly the thought of motion sickness or girls in ever popular 5 inch slut hells falling into water features, only to maul a small shark with their stiletto never crossed the Academy of Science’s mind.

However, i applaud them for combining crafts, booze, and miniplanetariums in giant snowmen.  FANFUCKINGTASTIC

Now, in true holiday spirit, I shall continue to wrap gifts in old Urban Outfitters catalogues and forget to label them, leaving me to attempt a poor carnac the magnificent. 

A Duck. A Skunk. A Gift Card to the Gap!

Clearly, I won’t take it on tour.

I will however spend the rest of my snowless saturday watching Ashton Kutcher Rom Coms.  {it is a bad sign when you go to add tags to your post, and after typing “A” Ashton Kutcher is the first hit to appear}

Peace. Love. and a snowy evening on Google.

(water cooler conversation as they fill vintage liquor bottles with kool aid to form stage liquor)

Teen 1: Wine doesn’t really get you drunk.

Teen 2: Yeah, not really if you just drink it socially.

The last time wine didn’t get me drunk, I was six, and had accidentally taken a sip o’ Jesus blood, without knowing that as a child of sin I was forbidden from doing so.  But man, was that wafer tasty.

But seriously. Kids these days, whats next? “Speed doesn’t fuck you up, you’re just more efficient, and people like you more!”

Obviously those kids missed the drug and alcohol portion of high school health class.

After viewing Bridesmaids, I have come to the conclusion that  my life will one day be the subject of an Apatow film—the girl who works with children that think she is a boy because she has short hair, wears pants, and doesn’t wear eyeliner.  

The girl who is so awkward that when she notices  a ten year old girl is wearing the same neon yellow sports bra from the little girls section at target that SHE is wearing, pulls out her bra strap and goes “OMG we totally match” instead of running into a badger hole and hiding until said child has graduated to adult over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders and forgotten all about it.

The girl who conspicuously stalks a bartender at least once a week, and doesn’t even order alcoholic beverages from constantly hoping that one day he will do more than just give her extra ice cubes.

Because as wonderful as ice cubes I (As an addict, I would know) occasionally it would be nice for someone to mock my sports bra that isn’t a ten year old girl that thinks I am a man.